Oprah's Lifeclass #12 - Letting go of the past...
Did you go to class tonight?
Did you bring your tissues?
I didn't know it was going to be so heavy, but it hit me, and the tears flowed.
Flowed right outta' me.
Ahh, a good exhale.
Tonight's show was all about letting go of the past, and she meant REALLY letting go.
THE Ms. Iyanla Vanzant was quoted again: (prepare to wonder why you were late for class...it's deep.)
"You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them."
This is such a painful understanding, and yet one that over the last couple of months, has really shown itself to be the only way for me to move forward.
While it's a gem, it's not why I cried.
They replayed a piece from 2000, or 2003, I believe.
A mother and father of one, pregnant with twins, deliver early two babies, 1lb and 2lbs each.
Spencer lives.
Ryan does not.
Ryan survives for a few days and dies in his mothers arms.
The father asked the spiritual guider how you move forward without forgetting and how you continue to live while moving forward, without getting stuck.
He explained, slowly, so slowly, I didn't realize I was crying yet, that it's a matter of perspective
You could choose to look at Ryan's death as a personality that died.
Or.
You could choose to look at a Ryan as a soul who CHOSE to come to you for a period of time and you were/are exponentially blessed by the visit of his soul.
And of course, for those of you real lifers, you know. I immediately thought of her.
"We were sitting in Comm 430 and she was chewing gum. I was talking about a tour. She stared past me and I whispered to her again. She apologized for zoning out and complained about her headache. I had aspirin, but she declined saying she had taken some that morning.
Dr. Scharrer was asking a question and I looked at Lisa again. Something was wrong, but I didn't know it then. I could see it, but I didn't want to."
You know the story ends with her diagnosis of a brain stem glioma, an inoperable brain tumor in May of our graduation year. That photo was taken at graduation. Less than a month after the memory. She was already losing her sight, hearing, and had trouble walking on her own.
He unending spirit made it's occasional appearances, but I knew then, in a way I had never been aware, that she was dying.
And it didn't seem real.
Or fair.
Or possible.
That my idol, my dorm mate, my tour guide buddy, my communication guru, my lab partner, my friend would be leaving.
9 months later, at age 23, she was gone.
5 years later, it is as real and bleeding as possible.
That wound was open and I didn't even see it.
But I felt it in a lot of misdirection in life.
Choosing where I want to go next in life has been at a stand still because moving forward has felt like leaving her behind.
But.
That's if I look at her a personality.
But I won't.
Not after tonight.
I see her as this INCREDIBLE soul.
That lived.
And lived and lived.
And taught me so very much in 4 short years.
She lived with a grace that I will embody as I continue to move forward.
And I will think about that soul every day who chose, for some strange reason to be my friend.
Even though I wasn't cool or popular, or even great friend material.
She chose to be a friend of mine.
That soul.
Has never been closer.
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