Check it…dun.dun.dun.dun…Wreath Time.

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I know.
I already made me one.
I know.
I have negative monies to be making one.
I know.
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Whoa!

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Hey, Negative Nancy Pants:

Pull up your britches.
Smile.
Breathe.
It's going to get better.
Promise.

Love, Rena
P.S. Stop writing Posts late at night.  Apparently you wear whiney pajama pants.
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Biggest Fear

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Want to know an adopted child's biggest FEAR?
Disappointment.
That we disappoint our biological family or our adoptive one.

Fear of failure.

I can remember a time growing up when a B+ on a spelling test sent me into a tail spin. {'member 4th grade, sobbing in the girls bathroom, only to be rescued by my surrogate Dad, Mr M. and cajoled into coming back to class}
My lack of friends in HS was oppressive failure.
I had to look right, test well, achieve high.
Be everything my biological family gave me up to be and everything my adoptive hope to adopt.

Failure sits in my chest as big a mountain.
On the one hand, my biological mother finding me on Facebook, a continent away, has been the biggest miracle of my life.

On the other, it has stirred up an intense desire to do well by her.
To make her INCREDIBLE sacrifice worth it.
The years of depression she suffered after giving my sister and I up worth something.

My adoptive family and their closeted neurotic tendencies have also added in that intense desire to do well.  They didn't and don't have a lot either, and I was to be the one to do more.

And for a while I was, right?
Full Scholarship to UMASS.
Great grades.
Deans lists.
9 month M.Ed.
Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude.
Teaching.
College Admissions.
Dating.
Engaged.
Traveling.
Making money.

And then.
In two years,
I lost it all.

It started with the ending of my 12 year relationship with the Accountant.
He was cheating OR I had allowed myself to be cheated on.
Let go the dream.

Then, I had this desire to return to the classroom.
Like, somehow, I was really meant to teach.
Truth be told.
I wasn't.
I was bullied by my principal.
So I left.
I was neglected by my next principal.
So I left.

I went back to the ballet.
And that saved my emotional life.

My financial life.
That's another story.
While I was busy working hard to achieve, I stopped caring about money and pieces of paper a long time ago.
My desire was to give back with everything I had to offer.
Til I had nothing left.
Only.
I gave back more than I had.
Then the creditors started to call.
A lot.
And send me lots of mail.
Until.
Today.
When I melted down.
And do I mean…MELTED down.

I now owe $18,000 IMMEDIATELY to my graduate school loan.
Bahahaha.
That's funny.
Since.
I also owe my bank some money.
And then that's it.

I didn't apply for unemployment because it felt like admitting I'm a failure.
My head was SPINNING.
I took a shower this afternoon to wash away some of the tears while LBD napped.
And I wept.
Wept like I got paid $30 an hour to do it.

And.
Because of the Father, I know it will get better.
I believe his plan often includes derailment to better see your purpose.
There are times that the task or road ahead feel insurmountable.
I know, nothing is insurmountable.
There is no mountain we can not climb.
No river we can not cross.
No debt we can not repay with Him on our side.
And He heals my heart every day. 
Those seeds of failure.
And disappoint that have planted themselves inside me.
He's weeding those as we speak.
Because we can, because He did.

Adopted child's biggest fear?
Failure.

Quick Makeover and Pitfalls

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I started this morning by stepping on this gem.  
Serves me right for sleeping on the Bertram's couch to watch TV at night.
Fail.

But even a little holier, LBF and I got our craft on, turning this:
weekly calendar I made with fabric and a $10 frame, into something more seasonally appropriate with $1.99 wrapping paper from TJ Maxx.
{In transition}

{Finished Project}

Hooray!

LBF and I are off to the bank {since there is no money in my account, I thought I'd go have a chat with them about current circumstances}
and then the…ehem…
Unemployment office.

For 5 months, I've known the right job was right around the corner.
For 5 months, I've not wanted to try and collect because, there are people that REALLY needed it.
For 5 months, I could get by.
For 5 months, I was in denial about how bad it was.

Then the bank called and said my money was gone, bills needed to get paid and reality smacked in the face.

That $4 from November, that was a luxury I can not afford.

BUT.
I'll be okay, you'll be okay, he, she, we, will be okay.
Because, I refuse to think otherwise.

Grace.

Legos and 2 Nuggets

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In real life friends, you know the Bertrams are off to Ecuador to pick up toddler Emerson Jayne to complete their little family.

But did you know Auntie Rena has accepted the title of sole caretaker to TWO munchkins while their parents and baby Ellie are traveling?!

I've been up to my stockings in BOY town.

LMG has been teaching me EVERYTHING I need to know.
LBF has been making me crack up, about every 2 seconds.

I've stepped on 100 Legos.
Nuked 20 chicken nuggets.
Made Mac and Cheese, from a box, Auntie Annie's.
Read aloud for a couple of HOURS.
Watched ONE movie, twice…thank god I LOVE the Letter Factory.
Gone grocery shopping.
Made a welcome home banner.
Crafted something for toddler Emerson's new digs.
Cried when LBF couldn't sleep because he LOVES his parents so much.

Seriously, try to not cry when a four year old, in a little four year old voice, and so much ernest your heart breaks, tells you he doesn't know why he's crying, but he loves his mom and dad and baby Ellie.
Little Buddy Frank.
You're too much.

Of course, Little Man George is a little man of the house.
This morning when I was driving him to school, he was telling me everything I HAD to do with LBF.
"And if that does't work, just let him cry it out, because sometimes that's all he needs."
Me: Okay, thanks, LMG.
"And, there are stickers under the box in the kitchen, but DON'T give him any batman or spiderman stickers."
Me: Got it, no spider man.
"Or batman."
Me: Right.
"Do you think you'll be good?"
Me: I hope so, LMG, I hope so.
"Me too."

Bahahaha.  Kidlets.
Up to my eyeballs in laughter and love.

Blog update

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I think I did it.

Well, nymFont had the free template on her site.
Check it, she's incredible.

I LOVE LOVE LOVED the date and comment balloons on the side.

And the background with the map actually kinda works.

Breathe.
No more big changes to the template for awhile.

Awhile is open ended, right?

Almost Lost It All

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Tried to upload new template.
Almost.
Lost.
Everything.

Lesson learned, be happy with what you got.
And.
I am.
:)

Tomorrow I'll reveal what happened to those christmas balls.
You're going to L.O.V.E it.

:) x 6 = Bertram Big Family News.
I DIED.

Jayne, I died.
I think I sat dumbfounded at the NE airport for like, ever.
I'm a deep faith kinda gal.
I believe that even as everything feels like it's unraveling, someone has it all together, a plan.

That being said.
Toddler Emerson will be welcomed with a kind of love she's only imagined.
Emerson Jayne, it's like she's been a part of your beautiful family since day #1.
And, I can assure you that, as an adoptee @ age 2…she'll know you as mom and Mr. Bertram as Dad.

Legitimately, I can't talk about it without either crying or screaming with excitement.

I think the only person who is possibly more excited than us, is LMG.
Who questioned me today like it was going out of style.
Favorite questions?:
"Do you remember when you were a baby?" 
Me: Nope
"Do you remember when you were 2?"
Me: Not really.
"Do you remember when you were a tween?"
Me: Hysterical Laughter.

"Do you think Emerson will know I'm her brother?"
Me: Absolutely.
"How?"
Me: Um….she'll just know.
"If you don't know, just say that, that you don't know."
Me: Okay.
"Okay."

"Do you think Emerson likes corn?"
Me: Probably?  Do you like corn?
"Um, on the grill, only."
Me:  That's probably how she'll like it too.
"She can't touch the grill, she's too little, though."
Me: Got it.

Home Again, Home Again :)

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Beautiful Weddings make me almost consider having a wedding.
Almost.
Ha!
Poor, poor Mr. B had an earful about my beliefs this weekend.
He's a good sport.
I think fan fair-i-cal weddings are more a show for the bride and groom to say "Look at us, we really love each other, LOOK!"
Versus, what?  Just really loving each other!?
Ya' know?
Weddings don't need white ball gowns, expensive gifts or even dance floors…though, I'm not knocking dance floors.
But if two people love each other, I mean, unconditionally, ABUNDANTLY, love each other, I don't think a wedding is necessary.

See, I told you, Mr. B put up with a lot.
NOT to mention my OCD-ism around flying on a plane and staying in a hotel.
You thought preparing outfits, photographing them, heat washing and drying them, and putting them in sealed bags was bad!?
You.
Have.
No.
Idea.

I'd tell you everything I do, but you'd have me committed.

When I fly, I put my carry on inside a sealed plastic bag.  
When we arrive to our new destination, I take it out of the bag and throw that bag away.
When I stay at hotels, I sleep on the tile, bathroom floor.

Uggh.

If you've never experienced {bedbugs}, don't judge.
If you have, judge me openly.

*Sidebar on new header: I finally like…no….REALLY like my header, it doesn't incorporate the map that I've been holding onto for so long, but, it works.  That being said, I will be changing it up a bit to fit the holiday{s}, so bear with, the design will stay the same.
Want that paper and goodies used in my holiday header?
^Go "like" 'em on facbeook, get that kit FREE and fall in love with everything they offer!
Persnickety Prints
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