Biggest Fear
Want to know an adopted child's biggest FEAR?
Disappointment.
That we disappoint our biological family or our adoptive one.
Fear of failure.
I can remember a time growing up when a B+ on a spelling test sent me into a tail spin. {'member 4th grade, sobbing in the girls bathroom, only to be rescued by my surrogate Dad, Mr M. and cajoled into coming back to class}
My lack of friends in HS was oppressive failure.
I had to look right, test well, achieve high.
Be everything my biological family gave me up to be and everything my adoptive hope to adopt.
Failure sits in my chest as big a mountain.
On the one hand, my biological mother finding me on Facebook, a continent away, has been the biggest miracle of my life.
On the other, it has stirred up an intense desire to do well by her.
To make her INCREDIBLE sacrifice worth it.
The years of depression she suffered after giving my sister and I up worth something.
My adoptive family and their closeted neurotic tendencies have also added in that intense desire to do well. They didn't and don't have a lot either, and I was to be the one to do more.
And for a while I was, right?
Full Scholarship to UMASS.
Great grades.
Deans lists.
9 month M.Ed.
Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude.
Teaching.
College Admissions.
Dating.
Engaged.
Traveling.
Making money.
And then.
In two years,
I lost it all.
It started with the ending of my 12 year relationship with the Accountant.
He was cheating OR I had allowed myself to be cheated on.
Let go the dream.
Then, I had this desire to return to the classroom.
Like, somehow, I was really meant to teach.
Truth be told.
I wasn't.
I was bullied by my principal.
So I left.
I was neglected by my next principal.
So I left.
I went back to the ballet.
And that saved my emotional life.
My financial life.
That's another story.
While I was busy working hard to achieve, I stopped caring about money and pieces of paper a long time ago.
My desire was to give back with everything I had to offer.
Til I had nothing left.
Only.
I gave back more than I had.
Then the creditors started to call.
A lot.
And send me lots of mail.
Until.
Today.
When I melted down.
And do I mean…MELTED down.
I now owe $18,000 IMMEDIATELY to my graduate school loan.
Bahahaha.
That's funny.
Since.
I also owe my bank some money.
And then that's it.
I didn't apply for unemployment because it felt like admitting I'm a failure.
My head was SPINNING.
I took a shower this afternoon to wash away some of the tears while LBD napped.
And I wept.
Wept like I got paid $30 an hour to do it.
And.
Because of the Father, I know it will get better.
I believe his plan often includes derailment to better see your purpose.
There are times that the task or road ahead feel insurmountable.
I know, nothing is insurmountable.
There is no mountain we can not climb.
No river we can not cross.
No debt we can not repay with Him on our side.
And He heals my heart every day.
Those seeds of failure.
And disappoint that have planted themselves inside me.
He's weeding those as we speak.
Because we can, because He did.
Adopted child's biggest fear?
Failure.
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